


A Broken Man

by casdeanbee



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 9x06, And he likes it a lot, Castiel and Mental Health Issues, Crying Castiel, Destiel - Freeform, Drugged Dean, First Kiss, Heaven can’t wait, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, One Shot, Pie, Poor Cas, dean kisses cas, lol what is this fic, men kissing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-08
Updated: 2018-08-08
Packaged: 2019-06-23 23:37:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15617538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casdeanbee/pseuds/casdeanbee
Summary: This is what Dean and Cas get up to during the gap in 9x06...





	A Broken Man

**Author's Note:**

> This is a one shot I wrote like two years ago and it’s kinda random and awful in places lol, so yeah, I literally just found it and thought I’d share it, so here goes.

 

**Castiel’s POV**

_Nobody told you. Nobody explained. You’re just…shoved out kicking and screaming into this human life, without any idea of why it feels the way it feels, or why this confusion, which feels like it’s…a hair’s breadth from terror or pain. You know, just when you think you do understand, it’ll turn out you’re wrong. You didn’t understand anything at all. Guess that’s just how it is when you’re new at this._

My words from earlier ring through my very much human head.

“Where to Cas?”

The usual creak of the impala door answers Dean’s question when I pull the handle and slide into the car. If I’m honest, I just want to get away from here.

Dean also opens his door and makes himself comfortable in the driver’s seat. Knowing him, it’s probably the most comforting place to sit anyway. I am aware he is looking at me, but my head remains tilted down towards my lap. I don’t really feel like conversation right now; it must be another human-felt disadvantage to social interaction.

The man next to me sighs and starts the engine before pulling away from the curb and starting to drive away.

After a while of silence, Dean speaks “hey, Cas?”

“Hmm?”

“How come that angel was there anyway? I mean, it’s not like anyone was in pain. Well, unless it was that baby that _would not stop crying!”_ He chuckles and once again, looks over in my direction to see if I was laughing at his comment. I didn’t find it particularly amusing. “Right Cas?”

“I suppose.” I reply, staring into the road blankly.

“Oh hey, you never told me where to go, I’m just kind of improvising here buddy.” Dean realises, turning onto the main road.

“How’s Sam?” I ask, trying and failing to change the subject.

“Cas, you have somewhere to stay right?”

“Of course, I’m staying at the…” Dean looks glances at me expectantly, “the motel.”

It only takes him a few seconds to figure out my situation, “you’re sleeping in that gas-n-sip aren’t you.”

“I have no idea where you got that idea from, Dean.” It doesn’t convince him much. This lying thing is something I need to work on. We angels never used to lie, but I suppose I’m not an angel anymore.

“Cas, that’s terrible! You can’t- does Nora know?” He exclaims.

“Technically, no.”

“Why didn’t you say anything? You shouldn’t have spent every night hanging out with a nacho machine!”

“You’re the one who kicked me out of the bunker, what was I supposed to do!” I snap at him and look back out of the window.

“Cas…” His sentence trails off when I remain facing the window. Being human really does ‘suck’. Now I understand why there so many drama television programmes. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

I sigh and turn to face him, “no, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at you, it’s just, all of these feelings and emotions. I’m still getting used to dealing with them appropriately.”

“The angel, the Rit Zien, he was there for _you_ , wasn’t he.” Dean decides, making it more of a statement than a question.

“Yes. Apparently I’ve given up. All I want to do is have some peace for a while.”

Dean pulls over on the country road we were now driving along “Cas. Cas look at me for a second.”

I turn my head to my left to find Dean looking at me sympathetically.

“I’m so sorry it turned out the way it did and Sammy, he-“

“No, I know. It’s fine. He needs to recover and I would’ve been a beacon for the angels. I understand.” I look down at my hands, wondering what we’ll have to clear up next.

“No, he seems okay. I want you to come back. Please. You can’t live in a gas-n-sip.”

“I can’t do that Dean, you know I can’t. It’s too dangerous.”

“Is that why that cracker came after you?”

“I’m sorry?” I ask him, tilting my head in confusion.

He smiles, “you know, Ritz? They’re crackers. The Rit Zien. _Ritz._ ”

“Oh. I had no idea you were referring to a carbohydrate snack. Sorry.”

Dean laughs which only makes me more confused, but he notices this and elaborates, “I really need to teach you how to understand jokes.”

“I’d like that.” I smile back.

We sit in comfortable silence for a while but the question of my mental state still lingers in the air.

“Castiel, apart from Sam, you’re my best friend. I hate seeing you like this. And before you say anything, I can tell you’re sad. I’ve known you for like four years now. What’s up buddy?”

This is the side of Dean no one is really used to. Deep down, he really does care about everyone a lot. The thought makes me feel rather strange. There is a burning sensation in my nose and my eyes begin to sting and fill up with saltwater. I try to swallow to make it better, but it doesn’t go away.

It’s as if the minute he’s shown sympathy, my feelings have gotten stronger.

“I won’t bore you. It’s ok, I can walk back to the store from here.” I unbuckle my seatbelt and go to pull the handle on the door.

“Castiel, get your feathery ass back here.” Dean demands not in a tormenting way, but in a worried manner.

I avoid eye contact and he grabs hold of my forearm. “You really don’t want to listen to this-“ I mumble, but he cuts my sentence short.

“I’m listening.” He whispers while watching a droplet of water fall down my face that was probably supposed to stay there if I wanted to keep my dignity. Well, it’s too late now.

I breathe in deeply, “Honestly, I’m not sure how much longer I can do this. Living in the store at least means I’m always ready to open it up in the morning, and I enjoy it, it’s just _so hard._ I don’t understand a lot of things you people do at all. For example, why would someone mix together mayonnaise and ketchup to dip their fries in?” Dean chuckles at this, and puts an arm around my shoulders, persuading me to continue. “Being able to tell how people feel is very challenging when it’s all new to you. Sometimes I care too much, sometimes not enough. I’m trying to be resilient, but the constant need for food and hydration is hard to endure. Dean, I had nothing, and living with the knowledge that I was partly responsible for the fallen angels crushed me like a small insect. When I left the bunker, I-“ Another tear rolls down my face, the dam of piled up feelings willing to break any second.

“You, what Cas?” Dean whispers, pulling me slightly closer.

“I was going to…to give up. With everything.” The wall breaks and my throat closes up as my body lets out all emotion…I’m _crying._ I’ve never felt like this before in my entire life, but it strangely feels good to be able to finally let it go.

Dean wraps both arms around me and whispers comforting words in my ear like “it’s okay. Let it out” and “alright.”

“I had no idea how I was going to live with what I did to heaven. The angels I vaporised, and then making the rest fall to earth. A lot of living things want me dead, Dean.” My words come out in a choke along with more tears.

“I know, I know. It’s going to be alright.”

***

“Man, am I hungry. Big night.” Dean says, walking alongside me as we stroll into a diner. There are people chatting and eating, but no one looks suspicious so we sit down at a table. “This is the best diner, they have the best cheeseburgers, it’s awesome.”

After my episode, we decided to get some food. I’m actually mortified about what happened, and Dean knows it, so he’s pretending nothing happened. It was nice of him to act the way he did though. Sam’s more of a hugger than he is usually, but tonight he surprised me. He knew I was having a bad day as it was, and I feel much more content now. We talked it all through thoroughly, and I feel a little better. Well, _a lot_ better compared to how I was.

“Hello, can I take your order?” A brunette waitress smiles brightly, glancing at Dean for a brief moment. He smiles at her warmly and winks “two cheeseburgers please with two cokes. Thanks.” He gives one more crooked smile before the waitress turns around and heads to another table.

I don’t realise that while I am watching the waitress take another order, just mindlessly, Dean is actually watching _me_.

“Hey, Cas, you should know the first rule of picking up waitresses. Ok, so when you order, you smile and look into their eyes, but when they turn around, you can look at whatever you want.” He winks at me and smirks.

“Isn’t that a bit disrespectful?”

“Not if they don’t know you’re doing it.”

“I’m not sure whether waitresses are really my ‘type’.” I shrug, making quote marks with my fingers.

“What’s your type then?”

“I have no idea. Nice people.”

“To be fair Cas, that’s quite a wide field. Anything specific? Do you know which side you definitely bat for, or are you balancing on the net?” Dean asks, “it’s okay if you are any of those by the way.”

“I don’t understand what you mean.”

Dean just laughs and leans back slightly so the waitress can place the food on the table.

“Ok, so two cheeseburgers and two cokes. Anything else?”

“No that’s fine thank you.” Dean smiles and the waitress walks away with a smirk on her face.

After a few minutes of eating, I look up at Dean who is deeply enjoying his food. He notices me staring. “You alright?”

“Yeah, just, can you not mention to anyone what happened?”

“Cas, what you said was personal, I’m not going to go blabbing to anyone, I promise.” He smiles and I return it warmly. I feel really great right now.

Dean takes a sip of his drink and the smile is wiped off his face. “Dean, are you okay?”

“I think it’s been spiked, dammit.” He says. “Oh man…this could be very bad, I feel really drunk.” I look at him in disbelief a few tense minutes later, he starts laughing to himself. “I feel great!”

“Oh no.” I mutter.

The waitress returns to our table, “is everything alright with your food?”

“Someone added an illegal substance to his drink, so no, I don’t think everything is okay.” I say, looking over at Dean who just shoved around half the burger into his mouth in one go.

The waitress leans down to my level and whispers in my ear, “maybe next time you shouldn’t stare at me like a piece of meat.”

I frown and realise the waitress did this. She obviously hates being ‘checked out’ as Dean would put it. Instead of causing a fuss, I decide “we’re leaving!”

I pull Dean out of his seat and drag him towards the door but he’s being difficult now, “BUT PIE!”

“Save the pie for later, we gotta go.” I say and we round a corner to where the car is parked. It’s quite late so the car park is empty, and we are parked in a secluded corner next to a wall.

“Hey Cas, you know deep down, I think I’m really into you.” Dean slurs, breaking free from my grasp.

“Dean just get in the car, I’ll drive and we can- wait, what did you say?”

He grabs hold of the front of my shirt and gently pushes me back. With each slow step, he says one word, “I said: I. Like. You.”

Soon my back is pressed against the wall and I am staring into his green eyes. I’ve never noticed before.

“Dean, what on earth are you doing?!” I exclaim.

“I-I’m kissing you, Cas.” He mutters before pressing his lips against mine softly. I freeze up at the beginning, but discover I quite like the feeling. I kiss back unsurely but soon warm up to it. I can taste remnants of coke on his lips as we share the moment. We just stand there for a while until Dean breaks the kiss slowly. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.” He mutters, placing a few kisses to my neck before backing away from me. “We should get in the car.”

“Uh…yeah, of course.” I say hesitantly, pressing my fingers to my lips where they met Deans just moments ago.

***

**Morning**

I wake up lying uncomfortably across the back seats of the impala. Nothing else happened last night. We both just fell asleep while talking about pie. Obviously Dean lead the conversation. I remember everything that happened, but the question is; does he?

I hear a groan from the front of the car which is followed by a “Cas, you there?”

“Yeah. I’m here.”

“What the heck happened?”

“Your drink was contaminated. It was the waitress.”

“Oh my god.” He groans again, “did I do anything bad? I can’t remember.”

“Uh, no.”

“Good.” He says sitting up. “I guess we better get going. You don’t want to be late for work?”

“I suppose. Just out of curiosity, up to what point do you remember?”

“When I told you I wouldn’t tell anyone about what happened to you. Round about there.”

“Ah, ok.” I say getting out of the back before opening the door and sitting up front.

Dean starts the engine and we drive away from the diner, only with a thousand more questions running through my head. Should I tell him? I feel…it’s making me feel something.

***

“Listen Cas, uh, back at the bunker, I uh, sorry I told you to go. I know it’s been hard on you, you know, on your own. Well, you’re adapting. I’m proud of you.”

“Thank you Dean. But there’s something Ephraim said. The angels – they need help. Can I really sit this out? Shouldn’t I be searching for a way to get them home?”

“Me and Sam will take care of the angels. You’re human now. It’s not your problem anymore.”

I get out of the car and close the door, looking at Dean one last time before I go, the words on the tip of my tongue.

_We kissed last night. I want to do it again._

Dean looks away. The moment is gone.

We wave at each other and I stare into his eyes before going over to the gas-n-sip door and turning the key in the lock.

Somehow, I can’t help but feel disappointed about the fact he doesn’t remember anything. That kiss sent electric down my spine that I’ve never really felt before (apart from when I ate all the souls from purgatory or when I touched a human soul…but it’s a different, more pleasant electric this time). I wonder if he still wants that; still likes me in some way that is more than friends.

Maybe time will tell, but in the meantime, I’m just an ex-angel, coping with life as a broken man.

**Author's Note:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


End file.
